depressionisms ★ neurostasis- final

Mind Hacks has a post on Evolution of a Troubled Mind that continues the theme set in a recent edition of ABC Radio National’s All in the Mind. Natasha’s show is always awesome, but I’ve been slack and not listened to my podcasts or her latest episode yet. Still, what Mind Hacks wrote resonated somewhat with an experience I had yesterday…

I was feeling depressed with the urge to do ’something’ at a time when everything around me had negative connotations, so I sat on the floor.

Not happy with the novelty of sitting on the floor - while not something I normally do - I then felt the need to to sit in the cupboard before stopping myself and thinking that’s completely mad, even though I was alone and could be completely mad.

At that moment the thought occurred that the unrelenting urge to do something novel, felt like a flight survival instinct. Something I’ve been doing my entire life. That my innate desire to do something ‘differently’ takes hold in order to present myself with a novel concept, or way of looking at things from a different perspective and one more enticing; hence a new environment to become absorbed in. Possibly why I get bored and depressed so quickly.

When I think about this and the way in which we learn and store memories, the more I’m convinced that these tendencies are evolutionary. I say this because I keep reading about glucocorticoids, stress, amygdala enhancement and the strength of emotive episodes that result from those contributing factors. There’s also the known inhibition of orexin-A gene expression and concentration and memory formation problems that result when I get depressed and sleep disturbed.

Prior to my recent depressive episode I had consumed large amounts of glucose and milk chocolate foods and initially later felt a strong desire to seek out company; something I hadn’t done for a while, especially on a high fruit & veg fructose diet.

I do know that fruit flies choose to procreate over preserve when exposed to high protein diets… and that mothers with high calorie intake and variety are more likely to have boys. Three in this family! Calorie restriction is also implicated in life extension, not to mention there’s an antidepressant that life extends working through calorie restriction. Fluoxetine from memory, but maybe not.

I also know that my mother was very anxious when she had me because of a prior miscarriage and her own anxiety tendencies, and that in rats this affects offspring for generations.

A very stressful early life with school and dad, and I now find myself very susceptible to social and environmental stress. With what I know now about gene expression as a result of social stress, and traits that are passed on, that it certainly indicates to me there’s an evolutionary element to mental illness.

Survival until a time when the environment is seen to be appealing and conducive to procreation…

I’m reminded of another study about ants that play-dead that are 4 times more likely to survive an attack from an outside colony…

Most of the time when the environment I find myself in makes me feel depressed, I play-dead and feel like I don’t exist and just want to be left alone or find a new environment to explore.

My problem is I feel like I’m under constant attack in every environment and the reward to participate is non-existent.

Guilt-trip. *finger*

Yabber on. *be gone*

Care less. *become a mess*

Having one of those moments when nothing really matters.

There’s a song that goes with it.

People on Twitter are talking about PND (post natal d) and I had to leave. Not first-hand experience but from a new fathers perspective. An insecure attention seeking type. [insert self-reflective alarm bells here]

At the same time a friend from Sydney that works at a bank started an IM conversation about her redundancy entitlements.

People take as much rope as they can to strangle a person.

Sunburnt, peeling and a chronic cold. I just wish I was dead already.

No real words, no real sounds, nothing. I’m really struggling to keep my motivation above bed sheet covers. I’ve not been feeling good about anything now for a long time. The emptiness is all consuming and without hope. I’m stuck as to where to turn other than over. Meaningful conversation has disappeared. Gone. Replaced with the desire to keep to myself unless others have something to say to me - like the girl in drug rehab who mistook me for another Craig online tonight.

It’s been over a year and a half now since I’ve actually done anything outside of close quarters, anything I’ve initiated myself. I’m useless.

I still haven’t bought any shoes or a new hard disk for my computer since the other died two weeks ago. Seems not to matter anymore; very little does.

Right now I’m almost out of clean clothes; the pile sitting on the floor for the last 3 weeks now attracting spiders.

With no money coming in and relying on family, I don’t remember the last time I visited an ATM. Now I make do with what I’m given.

I suck.

I’m a burden and yet that means nothing to me anymore. Charity the norm for the abnormal.

Feels like a good time to disappear into the background and unplug my last link to the wide world.

I’d just been reading the Sunday Age, a fantastic article in there about conservative Australia and one of the last full-frontal frontiers we as a nation are still yet to conquer.

Nudity.

Imagine my surprise when I login today to find someone has searched for one of the very beaches mentioned in that article, only to find my post from three years ago. Wow, does time fly.

I certainly hope they found the Sunnyside they were looking for!

So I’ve decided to resurrect an old 80’s motorcycle. Spurred on after one passed by the day I was thinking about the things I avoid doing. The adrenaline pumping roar of the exhaust was however not what sparked me. That happen to be my younger brother who the same day, had bought a motorcycle magazine. There, in the middle pages hidden away, was an article on bargain bikes that got me thinking…

A bike in the article happen to be the same as one I’d read about in another magazine. Both seemingly agreeing that it was good for tall people and learners. At that point I started talking to my brother about the bike and the bikes he had in the backyard rusting away before he remembered the bargain $350 Kawasaki KZ750-H3. A smaller engined version of the modified bike Mad Max’s (gay) nemesis used to mono down the highway in the Road Warrior. While not a learners bike being 3 times the engine capacity allowed, it could make for a good restoration project for me. So I asked and I’ve been busy cleaning, washing, re-wiring, welding, grinding, problem solving and repairing it. I managed to get the engine turning over yesterday only to then learn the previous owners dog, really had chewed through some wires. The plug I couldn’t find a partner for then started to make sense… (it’s not the only plug I’m having trouble finding a partner for - ahem). I’d need a new part before I could start it now. Dang. So… waiting for that (hopefully I get it tomorrow) I’ve been rebuilding the brakes. One down, another needing a new dust seal for before I can reassemble it. Then all that’s left then is to fix the rear brake and get a new light bulb for an indicator, a motorcycle battery and start it. It should be a runner. Once I get it to go, I might consider making it shiny with a new coat of paint and chrome… or consider going for my bike learners and if I pass, getting a learners bike; something like a Honda CB250, Suzuki GN250 or Kawasaki Esterella. The latter being a cheap retro looking bike that appeals to my imagination (for the retro part) but not it’s aesthetics!

I’ll have to practice my Max Max mono technique on the light learner before the big old beast of a bike. I honestly can’t believe how heavy it is. Hopefully working on it will help build more muscle though. I sorely need it after sitting at my computer all day and wasting away for so many years…

I’ve finally taken the plunge, and not just into my Fleshlight. I’ve been posting myself in flesh to a couple of community porn sites for fun and as a step past some of my insecurities. It’s all good fun and I’ve been getting comments and sharing my own with others. Feels great, though sometimes I find myself stuck for the right words. I think my naughty dictionary is in need of a spanking.

Earlier today I was thinking about how in the past I’d always had bad reactions to being intimate in a sexual manner. Saying what was on my mind. I still remember the times I chatted to Naughty Nicky and a few others only to be left feeling like a complete loser. In fact just recalling those memories, makes me nervous.

So it’s great not having expectations and just putting myself out there. Though I still do like to know if anyone appreciates my doing that. I haven’t been getting that from my blog, or my use of Twitter. Nor anywhere else online for that matter. Offline my younger brother and father have taken more interest in what I’m doing since I started fixing up my brothers motorcycle. It’s one of these. Otherwise, I’m off the radar.

I’ve come to a conclusion lately. That all my social ills revolve around one thing. Interests I can relate to with others. My downfall has been to reject the mainstream for my own trickle of a stream. The cutting edge as I sometimes like to call it.

That brings me to another realisation brought about when Rapunzel commented on something I wrote. She started writing to me again a month or so back. I’m just glad to hear she’s doing better. Anyway, she highlighted something I think I’ve been emanating for a long time. That other people bore me. It’s true to a certain extent, however I think this comes back to my inability to relate at the level of others. It’s also been part of my coping skill set, and not a very good one. That is; to avoid others.

I was out jogging recently and on my walk back home I found myself thinking about that and how often my flight reaction kicks in when I’m surrounded by others. Even passers by or potential passers by… I was always thinking ahead to do with ways to avoid people and awkward situations. So, as a result, I’ve been trying to change my ways. I came up with a new mantra to go with it. Don’t avoid; deal. As in don’t avoid doing what comes naturally to me, instead learn to deal with things as they happen. My bad habit of trying to protect myself from harm by thinking of all possibilities before hand and then becoming too anxious to act at all, needs to come to an end. So if I avoid you, come and slap me. No really… One of my fantasies is to be dominated, not as emotive as my desire to dominate however!

But do more of what you want to.